You barely know them
You are suspended in a state of limbo
Living between the hesitation of whether or not to approach them
You approach them
You approach them, and you’re swallowing your words
And you’re swallowing your pride
And you’re trying to swallow the situation
That was difficult
And though it was difficult, it was a lot easier to digest than you expected
And for the rest of the night you went in for seconds and thirds and fourths
You remember the taste of the experience
You remember the ease and the delight and the relief
But you don’t quite remember what came before that
You are reminded of what came before that
You barely know them
I’m not sure what is worse:
The pride, or the pain.
And despite of everything
When I look at you, I still think: magic
As you continue to wear the sunshine
That was once enough for the both of us
Excuse my moonbeam
Excuse me as I reflect everything that I once believed I was
without the warmth
that kept you around, once.
I miss a lot of things.
And i’m not sure whether “things”
fits the meaning
or whether “a lot”
is an understatement
or whether “missing”
to explain how this feels.
I miss a lot of things
and i’m not sure whether you
or something that made me, me
or whether “something” is fitting
or why I no longer am.
It scares me
how much I care
not about you or her or him or them
but about everything.
How I feel in tsunamis instead of waves
and being dragged under is made easier.
How I long in octaves unknown to even myself,
that resonate in shorthand treatment.
I feel, with a great passion.
For and about and because of
they told me you would be my remedy on the rainy days
and you were
my everlasting sunshine amid the showers
but when the storms rolled in heavier than ever before
you were no where to be found
and when i was struck harder than ever before
even after the storm my life remained
a charred version
so stained and sealed shut by the power of the blow
that your rays could no longer find me
or at least i would like to believe so
that you were still shining
was the only barrier
and i think, often, about
how i may be blind to your presence
because i can close my eyes
but i cannot find a reason
as to how i shut out your warmth
think of reasons
for in all honesty
i cannot remember
even hearing about the sun